The next step, coming up

I have been trying to keep busy for the last week and a half.  I've been packing and labeling the rest of my daughters stuff, getting my bank accounts connected, getting the paperwork together that I'm going to need when I go to apply for grants for school.  Busy work, but at least it makes the time go faster.  Until Saturday....

I woke up Saturday morning; it was a beautiful day and I just wanted to get out of the house and enjoy the day.  So I took my Sugar Love (my Boston Terrier mix) to Mt. St. Helen's and we went for a hike on a small trail, not a hard one.  We went until the trail forked off into 5 different paths and I decided that since I didn't have any supplies (I didn't even take water) I really didn't feel like spending the night looking for the right trail back, so we turned around.  It was nice, peaceful, quiet.  And by the time I got home I was hurting.  My knee (I just had surgery in December) was swollen and purple (just from a walk, can you believe it??) and for some reason my back was swollen and hasn't stopped hurting since.  It's very frustrating!!  All I did was go for a walk!!  So I have been taking it easy since and today I'm feeling much better.

I've been also checking the website for workman's comp, to see if they are doing anything with my case and finally I have learned that they are setting me up with a vocational rehab counselor.  YAY!!  My experience, along with what everyone tells me, is that as long as I've run a cash register in the past I have all the work experience I need for them to let me go.  What does that mean?  It means that as soon as I meet with the Voc counselor I will be cut off of workman's comp within days.  And I will be free to do what I want to do.  I have to wait for her to make an appointment with myself and my lawyer at the same time, and after that, within day's I will be released!!

I have this urge to push things to go faster but I have to be patient.  I have this deep feeling that if I just let things happen naturally then things will go much better for me.  That is one thing I have learned, to follow my gut instincts....I can't trust my head because then I'll be second guessing everything; I can't follow my heart because my heart lies to me; but my gut has been right on the money almost every time!!  And this time around, I want to do things right!!  So for now, I wait....

Great news from my Doctor

My Doctor is totally on board with my plans and thinks I'm right, I can finally move on.  She doesn't think I need to see another doc but it will all be up to workman's comp, now.  She made another appointment for me to see her in 6 weeks but she said I may be gone by then.  6 weeks, HOORAY!!!

My daughter made it to Vegas ok.  I guess they drove straight through (I will not, I may just spread it out to 3 days and enjoy the ride) and by the time they got there they were both a bit crabby.  HA HA

Now I'm almost too excited but I have to hold back the urge to pack everything I have left right now or else I'll be unpacking for something I will need in a couple of days.  Also, I got a phone call from a landlord in Vegas and I think he likes me, so I may have a home to go to after all.  I'm still thinking about the studio, tho...

Anyway, my doc said that it's usually pretty quick once workman's comp get's the go ahead.  I hope so!!  I'm not even sure if I'm getting a full paycheck next week, or if that's my last one, so more than ever, now I have to be very very careful.  From right now until I am working full time making more than $15 an hour.  That's my goal, and I think I can pull it off in 3 years.

So here I go :)

Did I mention I'm a Taurus??

Anyone who knows me well will tell you, I'm stubborn.  Most Taureans wouldn't admit it but I will, it's who I am and who I've always been.  I am pretty good with going with the flow but I have to be the one to make up my own mind, there's no one on earth who can make it for me.  It takes a lot to anger me but when I do the phrase "bull in a China shop" is an understatement.  And when I do make up my mind it's pretty hard for me to change it, stubborn, don't ya know....

So for the last few months, while this plan has been hatching in my head I have been thinking about getting a small house, that I may have to go to the ghetto of Las Vegas.  I have my own washer, dryer, refrigerator, chest freezer...I've been thinking about my grand kids coming over to spend weekends and what if my kids need a place to live, I should have space.  So when I received the news that I owed so much in taxes (I know $1200 isn't really that much but it's a small fortune for someone with little money) and looking at the fact that I just consolidated my student loans and my medical bills into 2 loans I had a moment of "now what the heck am I supposed to do??"  "How on earth am I supposed to do this??"  So I took a step back and did a little personal inventory.

When my doctor and workman's comp releases me medically I will be paid, as my doctor has put it to me, for what my neck is worth.  It wont be a lot but it will (hopefully) be enough to get a head start in my new life. So I have already taken a look at what I may receive (and I'm still not sure, I'm going on what my doctor and lawyer have told me I might receive) and I have made a budget accordingly.  

I have already started shutting stuff off.  Gas is off, and satellite gets turned off today.  Officially, I am paying more in medical bills, student loans and taxes than I am paying to live.  So how am I supposed to get by when I move??  Am I going to end up living in my car??  Then I had an ah-ha moment on Saturday.

Las Vegas is the hotel capital, in my opinion, and I know there are efficiencies and studio apartments I can rent weekly and monthly.  The trick is finding one that accepts dogs and cats.  And I have.  It would cost between $750 and $800 a month but I wouldn't have to worry about paying any utility bills, I can keep my costs way down that way.  I would have to get a storage unit but I don't have much so I can just get one that can hold my appliances until I am working and able to pay more in rent.  I can still make pallets on the floor for my grand kids (my grandparents did when I came to visit, or I brought my sleeping bag) and there is even an efficiency that has 2 bedrooms if I need room for my kids.  That one is a bit more than $800 a month but they will just have to pitch in and help me.

It was almost as though a weight lifted off of my shoulders.  I knew then, I know now, that I have options that I can do, that won't leave me broke in less than 6 months.  I do plan on applying for unemployment as soon as I get there but that takes time to receive so I have to be careful.  I think the trick was to be able to wrap my mind about moving from my own large 3 bedroom to a small studio apartment and yes, it will be a big change, but just by doing this small thing I will be saving money in the long run.  It will at least give me a head start.

Another note, my daughter moved out yesterday.  She is going ahead of me to Vegas and she should be between Reno and Vegas by now.  She is staying with a friend and she is going to be applying for the Air Force as soon as she gets there.  This weekend I have been watching all the documentaries I had saved on my DVR and I only have one left, it's 3 hours long and it's about Vietnam, so that's what I'm going to do for the rest of today.  Tomorrow I see my doctor and I will see how close I am to the move.

I've actually got butterflies in my stomach, I'm so excited about moving and starting my life again!!

The obstacles before I even begin

This has been a pretty frustrating week.  For starters, I went to Lower Columbia College, where I went in 2009, and applied for my official transcript.  Wait, back up a bit....in Jan 2010 I had to quit school so I could have my spinal fusion.  I had just started my winter classes and I had received my student loan, which I spent on my mortgage payment, so I couldn't just return it.  Well, even though I've been paying on it I still can't get my transcript until it's completely paid off.  Which isn't a problem, I've been paying it because I knew I had to have it paid off to be able to return to school and I only have about $700 left so I'm doing pretty good with that.

But I had also done my taxes wrong for 2009.  I had received unemployment for that year but in the first week of Jan 2010 I paid every dime back.  I had asked what I should do and I was told that if I paid it back I didn't have to claim it.  That was bad advice, I just got a letter from the IRS that I owed about $1200 in taxes for 2009 .  That is after I sent them all my receipts from unemployment.  I'm not sure but I think I can claim that on this years taxes but that's a lot of money out of my pocket right now.  Ok, so I worked that into my budget, it just means I have to turn off cable a little earlier than I thought.  In this little town I live in and even with the HD converter I still can't pick up local stations because I live in a valley between mountains but I have a ton of movies if I get bored and the 2 things I can't really turn off are my phone and Internet if I plan on finding a home online.  If it gets bad enough I guess I can always go to the library and get a boost mobile phone.  

Probably the worst obstacle is my sleeping pattern.  It sucks, to be blunt.  My Mom will tell you, I have never been a morning person but something she might not know is I've always wanted to be.  That's not the problem, the problem is 1st) after all these years of working shift work and mostly the night shift and 2nd) I have a bad snoring problem.  I don't have anything to do yet I am tired all the time, and I'm pretty sure it's because I'm not getting enough sleep at night, even tho I sleep.  So I have been trying those nasal strips, which seem to work alright....except now I've been having strange dreams that trouble me for no particular reason.  I'm hoping this will change when I'm able to do something more creative with myself during the day but sometimes that seems so so far away.  Today I'm feeling a bit blah, like I don't want to even get out of bed.  Yes, I have been diagnosed as clinically depressed but the truth is if your depressed the best thing for you to do is get out of bed, get up and do something (so today I decided to put my thoughts down here, and maybe after this I'll go watch a Will Farrell move or something equally silly).  I do know this will pass, I just can't shake the idea that something is wrong with my ex husband....just because I divorced him doesn't mean I stopped caring, I just couldn't be his co dependent anymore.  I'm also just going to throw this out there but I will not dwell on it, it sucks being in pain.....I may jot a few things down on that another time but not now....

Anyway, when I stepped outside earlier I could smell Fall, just around the corner.  Strange, I never knew you could smell the seasons before they arrived but you can.  I'm going to miss the colors here, every season has so many different colors....I'm not going to miss the FLEAS..... grrrrrrr.... :)

Some days are just too boring

I had hoped when I started this blog that I would be able to keep up with it daily but for right now, there's just too much time to do nothing.  I could rant about politics but that's what I created a page for, or I could expand on my sob story life but it's important to not dwell on the past; I have a future to look forward to.  So for now, in between doctor appointments and the endless waiting I really don't have too much to keep myself occupied.  I play games on the computer (I am the Mahjong queen) and I clean my house (although it really couldn't get much cleaner) and I color in velvet posters (it was the cheapest 'hobby' I could find; I would love to make quilts but my sewing machine died and I can't afford a new one just now) and I dream about my plans.  Sometimes I do more than dream and that's what I've been doing for the last couple of days.

One thing I've been doing is going through web sites and seeing what my prospects are for affordable housing.  That's probably going to be the hardest obstacle I'm going to have in the move.  When I moved up here to WA I got lucky with someone who was willing to rent me a home site unseen and I'm going to try that again.  I really don't care what the place looks like, if I don't like it I can always move when my lease is up.  My most important objective here is to find a place I can afford and that is going to be tough.  I need to try to find a home that accepts animals (I am not giving up my dog.  Period) and in my price range.  Now Sugar isn't a large dog so I don't see too much problem with that but finding something in my price range and them allowing me to rent without meeting me face to face first, now that's a different story.

There are a couple of places available right now in my price range, a couple that are a tiny bit over my price range that I may consider and they all take animals (although some ask for a pet rent, very ridiculous) but for now I don't have a move date so it would be crazy for me to even begin a conversation.  So for now I'm just getting an idea on what I have to look forward to.  I will have to stay in budget, which my budget is gonna be tight, so I have to be very careful.

The second thing I have done kept me up late last night with it going through my head, all the possibilities I can do.  I am planning on going back to school as soon as possible and now I have a definite date to begin that.  I have to be in NV by the end of September, beginning of October no matter what if I want to begin in January.  Registration begins in November and I don't know what it's going to take to be able to sit down with a counselor, but I have all the paperwork now.  I know what classes I need and how I need to move forward.

It's going to be longer than I thought, I have a lot of prerequisites but I have already taken 2 semester's and I was on the President's Honor Roll in 2009 and I can carry those credits with me.  That means I have a head start on my prereq's.  I want to go into Radiology Tech but in order to do that I have to get a degree in Sonography first, then I have to petition UNLV hospital to be able to go into their Radiology program.  So instead of 2 - 3 years this is going to take me 4 - 5 years to get my degree.  I really don't see the problem with that.  Once I have a degree as a Sonographer I can work at a decent paying job while going to school.

I am so excited about going back to school I was about to jump out of my own skin last night!  I have to get my official transcript this week because the very first thing I'm going to do is to make an appointment with the college in NV and get that ball rolling (well, after I get my drivers license, that really, legally, has to be the first thing I actually do).  I have already filled out my FAFSA and I know I will be able to get a Pell grant (in the GOP and Tea Party haven't done away with that option) and I will be able to get a scholarship through the Department of Vocational Rehabilitation, all of which means I am going to need time to get all my irons into the fire.  Which means I need to make this move within the next month and a half.

I have a doctors appointment next Monday but I'm going to call her tomorrow and ask if she could talk to my lawyer and set up an appointment for me to have my final medical evaluation sooner.  I really need to get this going, if I don't make it in time for the January classes I will have to wait for the summer classes and I am really tired of waiting.

So let's see if I can pull this off...

Good news and bad news

After all these years fighting to keep my first home it has begun to fall apart.  Without going into detail (and I do have my reasons for that) lets just say that I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.  The repairs would cost around $10K and with my not working for 3 1/2 years that number may as well be in the millions.  Last week I got the paperwork, the house is officially in foreclosure, and I had options I wanted to get some advice on.  There's short sale and deed in lieu, among others, but those are the ones I was exploring.

It seems that both are out of my reach.  There is no way I can put this house on the market the way it is, and in order to do either I have to be able to put the house on the market.  So down the line, when (and if) the house does sell, I will be responsible to pay the taxes on the difference between what the house sells for and what I owe.  Which leaves me with only one option and that is to walk away and allow the mortgage company to just declare it abandoned.    Not exactly the news I wanted to hear but at least I know where I stand and what to expect down the road.

That was yesterday's news.  Today I had a long talk with my lawyer.  I have been hoping workman's comp would help me go back to school but it seems as though I have too many job skills to be able to get any help. Which is not a problem, at least I know and I'm not sitting here waiting for an answer.  They have told me before that they don't care if I make as much money as I was making, as long as I can stand at a register and scan items.  Which just doesn't bring in the money it takes to pay bills, running a cash register is more like a second job.  My lawyer said if I wanted to fight this I could and he would fight for me but the chances that I would win are not good.

That is exactly what I wanted to hear, something concrete, no more waiting to find out what I'm allowed to do with my life.  When you're on workman's comp there are endless hoops to jump through and I have jumped through every one they have told me to.  But apparently, I'm not done jumping.  I will have at least 2 more doctor visits before they release me, which means my move will not be quite as soon as I had hoped.  In reality, I had hoped to be moved by the end of May but now it's looking like it may be around the end of September.  But at least I know the ball is rolling and I couldn't be more happy about that.

On a more funny note, last week I had called to have my gas turned off.  The only reason I need it is because I have a gas fireplace but it does get cold here in Washington.  Well, it would figure that as soon as they turned it off we would have some really cold days (yes, in the middle of summer) so when I got home yesterday I had to go around the house and turn up all the electric heaters in the walls of each room, I was freezing!!  The rest of the country are experiencing record heat waves and us up here in the Pacific Northwest are experiencing an early fall almost. And if I can't laugh at that I don't know what I can laugh at!!

Which brings me to I am going to miss seasons but I'm not going to miss the mud my critters track in!!

Found Millie a new home

I had taken in this dog who was so emaciated thinking she had been mistreated but it turned out that she has a liver problem.  I have been working with her vet, who fell in love with her, and she has gained and lost and gained again.  I was worried about taking her to NV and the heat being so bad, I don't think she has the defenses for that, she's nothing but bones.  I've been keeping her vet in the loop and today she went home with her vet, Dr. Katie loves Millie and Millie loves Katie so I think it's a good match.

When I took her in today the nurses in the office told me they were happy I was moving because they all love her.  Also, they are planning on running the tests I couldn't afford so all in all I think it was the best thing I could have done for her.  Now I just need to find homes for the 2 kittens I found running around the neighborhood.

Other than grocery shopping and cleaning the house that's really all I had to do today.  I have to talk to HUD tomorrow, then my lawyer in a couple of days.

Where I am today

Remember when I mentioned my first home??  I've been here for over 5 years now and I love this home but I am no longer in a position to keep it.  A few months ago things really started falling apart and I just can't afford to fix anything here.  At first it was hard to consider but I got a glimmer of an idea and I've been rolling with it since.

First of all, my whole family (except for 1 daughter who is living with me right now) all live in Nevada (all my grand kids live there and 2 of my kids) and Arizona (my parents, my sis moved to OK....) and really, after all I've been through, especially with my ex, I really have nothing left here in this little town.  There are not only no jobs, business's have been closing right and left.  My plan was to retire  here and open a used bookstore but now there's Kindle and that kinda throw's that plan away, oh well, it was a nice thought...

So, I'm moving to NV to be near my grand kids.  I will be going back to school, and I'm thinking about Radiology Tech.  That's the plan for now, it could change.  But I have already been packing and have sold most of my furniture and anything else I don't 'need.'

I haven't paid my mortgage in about 4 months and I am officially in foreclosure.  I have to do this, and at first it was a hard decision but after I mourned my home I started making these plans.  Couldn't hurt my credit, the bankruptcy did that already. What I've been doing for the last 4 months is 1) paying some medical bills; 2) paying my school loans off (as much as I can, I'm ahead right now); and 3) getting my car everything it needs.  I don't think I'll have to sleep in my car but just in case I don't want to have it parked somewhere and not be able to drive it so I got new tires, brakes, battery, a tune up and I have to get a new spare (the one I have now is bald) and I have a problem with my lights, that's gonna cost the most because they have to take my steering column apart.  But that's it, paying off bills, I got 2 new loans ( one to put my student loans together and one to put all my medical bills together, so now instead of 5 different bills I only have 2 and my interest is very low on both), and taking care of my car.  Now I can save as much money as possible.

I am almost completely packed, the only things that aren't packed already are what I use every day.  I have sold almost everything but there are some things in my garage and I'm thinking another garage sale next weekend.  I've already made over $600 this year in a garage sale, extra money never hurt anyone!!

I have an appointment with my doctor next week and we are going to talk about her releasing me medically and then I can get this ball rolling.

So that's it.  You are all caught up to me and anything I do from now on we can go through together.  I don't expect workman's comp to move fast and I am not going to push anything.  I'm going to let it happen naturally and be patient.  Try to be patient.  I have other appointments this week, one with my lawyer and one with HUD, I have some questions for both that will help me with my decisions but otherwise I'm winging this from here on.

So enjoy!!

When it rains it pours, the story of my life

To make an epic saga a short story, I was widowed twice by the time I was 27 (because of alcohol, both times).  I had 4 kids by then and when hubby #2 died I threw myself into my job and started working 17 hours a day, 7 days a week.  My head wasn't screwed on tight at the time; who'da thunk I would be left alone with 4 kids to raise and I thought I had to do whatever I could to bring in money, which (in my screwed up head) meant working till I dropped.  But of course I didn't have to drop, I began taking speed to keep up with the pace I set for myself.  And, of course, the drug took over my life and for the next 4 years I was an addict and a heavy addict.  I really screwed everything up with my addiction (as any addict will) but I was smart enough to know what I was doing and began taking steps to get clean.

Which I did, with the help of my four kids.  Whenever someone knocked on my front door I would go to my room and my kids would answer the door and tell whoever it was that I wasn't home.  After a couple of months of sleeping and eating and hiding from the knock on the door I was finally able to answer the door and be strong.  Before it was all over we ended up homeless, but that only lasted for about a month.   And by then I was ready to go out and get a job and start supporting my kids myself.

At one point I had 3 jobs.  I didn't have a car, I took the bus everywhere I went, which meant it was dark when I left in the morning for my 1st job and it was dark when I got home and sometimes I only got 4 hours of sleep at night.  By now my kids were teens and pre-teens and that is a bad age to leave alone to raise themselves.  To say my kids took advantage of that would be an understatement and let me tell you, the after shocks of my own addiction are still being felt today, 17 years after I got clean.  But that's a story for another day.

Fast forward to the year 2000.  I had been in my job as Assistant Manager at Walgreen's for a year by then, and was finally able to pay my bills and start paying off some debts.  My dream of all dreams was to own my own home, one I could retire in, one I could make my own, that I could leave to my kids when I died.  And I met a man that I thought was the one, let's call him BC.  He was a fairly decent guy but the thing I loved the most about him was the fact that I could come home from work and my house was clean and he would make sure I had a warm meal, no matter what time I got home.  I always say, actions speak louder than words and his actions showed me  he really cared about ME.  He had a drinking problem, though, and I told him I will not just sit around and watch him die like my husbands before him so if he wanted to marry me he would quit drinking....and he did, and we got married.

In 2004 we moved to Washington State so we could get married and start fresh.  I transferred with Walgreen's and helped open many new stores and we were happy.  Then my 3rd grandson was born in November with a 4 pound tumor and I stayed in Las Vegas with my daughter for 2 weeks to help her.  His tumor was removed and he began putting on weight and we all high-fived each other and hugged and cried and thought that was all over with.  So I went back to WA to get back to work on my dream.  Gabe's tumor returned a year later and that began a series of surgeries and chemo and craziness I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.  I did all I could to help my daughter and her husband, every year I would take a couple of months off of work to go to Vegas to help when she had another child and Gabe was on chemo.  At least I got a chance to know him and spend quality time with him.  There's that.

In 2005 my husband was crushed between a dumpster and a dump truck at work and it crushed his spine.  He ended up having 2 surgeries on his spine but the worst part of that was his surgeon, who loved to write those prescriptions.  I stood next to my husband when he told his Dr. he was addicted and the doc said there was no way around that.  And I should have known, I should have seen it all coming but I was blind I suppose.  Because the next year, in May 2006 I realized my dream and moved into my first home.  The day we moved into the home, BC moved into the garage and I never saw my husband again.   By Christmas that year I sat him down, all the skin on his face was drooping and he looked like a candle melting, and I told him I think he's dying.  He had lost 75 lbs in 6 months and he looked awful.  And thus began my co-addiction and I learned what my kids probably went through when I was going through my own addiction....what comes around, goes around, karma's a bitch, I know!!

The summer of 2007 I took 2 months to go to Vegas to help my daughter when she had her 4th baby while Gabe was in chemo.  While I was gone my lovely husband wrote over $7000 worth of bad checks and had quite a party on my credit.  And of course, I was responsible for that.  It wasn't long after I got home that I found out it was heroin.  I paid for him to go to rehab 3 times over the next 2 years but he just didn't want to get clean that bad.  The last I have heard from or about him was he was in jail for  3 counts heroin possession, criminal impersonation and possession of a stolen vehicle.  He may never get clean.

But 2008 was the worst year of all.  In April I was lifting a box at work that was 1) too big & awkward; 2) heavier than I thought it would be and 3) I had to lower the box to a girl under me.  It slipped and I tightened my hold and I felt something give in my back.  Thinking I had only pulled a muscle I continued to work for a couple more months until I lost all feeling in my left arm, then I knew I was doing more and more damage to myself and finally began to see a doctor.  My last day at work was July 7, 2008.  My doctor suggested for me to see a chiropractor and I had begun that and only had one appointment left on July 19, when my girl called and told me Gabe was in the hospital, his kidneys were shutting down.  I knew, even without her talking to the doctors, that this was the sign, the end was near.  I didn't even think twice, I got on a plane and went to my daughter.  I was gone for 6 weeks, I kept in touch with my boss, my doctors, even workman's comp and was told by all that I should take as much time as I needed to and I could come back and pick up where I left off.  Yeah, right.

By this time I had 7 grand kids, ranging from a couple of months to 10 years old and with all that was going on of course I picked up and held my grand kids, especially my Gabe Gabe and pain be damned.  And it's not like all I did while I was there was to play with a bunch of babies....I was the one who made the arrangements for my 3 year old grandson, do you even know what it does to a person to pick out a casket for a baby??  It messes with your  mind, for sure.  But I had to be strong for my girl and my son in law and the rest of my family and the way I looked at it was "this is why I had to go through my 2 husbands, so I could be ready for this" and that helped me get through it.

When I came back I found that everything I owned and had worked for had been pawned.  I went to my doctor and was told that I didn't have insurance with Kaiser anymore because I missed my last appointment (even tho I had been in contact with them), my boss wouldn't let me come back to work without a letter from a doctor that released me and at this point I had nothing to pay my bills with.  The best thing that happened that year was I had begun my divorce and I had been discharged in bankruptcy court.  But I still had my home, and my car (thankfully, my car was paid off)...and I had gotten myself a lawyer and was finally able to see a doctor and he found out that I had blown out a disc in my neck and it was pressing on a nerve that was attached to the muscle in my back....

And workman's comp said that since I didn't complain about my neck they dismissed my case.  Thus began the fight in court and 2 years after I had injured myself I finally got approved and got my surgery but by then I was already bent like a question mark and my muscles had atrophied.  But before that (and any family I have besides my kids have never heard this part, so Mom, hang on tight) I had had enough.  I didn't have an income, I didn't have a job, what I did have was a husband who had gone through my entire 401K in a matter of a couple of months, Walgreen's was fighting me tooth and nail about my application for unemployment AND workman's comp and I just had enough.  So one night I took all of my husbands pills and drank a whole bottle of wine and laid down to sleep, and never wanted to wake back up.

There are people who say there isn't a God but there has to be someone looking out for me because in the middle of the night I threw up everything, and I woke up the next day and the first thing that went through my head was, "I have to do something to end this;"  so I did.  I finalized my divorce, I went to a doctor and told him what I had done and he began helping me pick up the pieces, I at least got pain medication and an antidepressant and more tests, then I went to the community college in my town and began going to school.  And I won my case for unemployment and was finally able to pay my mortgage and bills.  I saw a light at the end of my tunnel.

I also won my case with workman's comp in Jan, 2010.  I had spinal fusion in Feb and my lovely surgeon never saw me again after that, he kept writing me script's, though, and August of last year I talked to my lawyer and he helped me find another Doctor (and I love this woman!!) and she helped me get off the meds.  One year ago I detoxed from all those pain meds I had been on for so long.  I'm not out of pain but I have more knowledge on how to deal with it now.  I have finally been to physical therapy and even tho I've had another surgery (not workman's comp, this one I'm paying for out of pocket) to repair my knee's, I'm still better off physically than I was  a year and a half ago.

So that is the short version of how I got into this crazy mess I'm in.  There's more to it, of course, but this touches on the domino's that fell to get me to where I am today, and not to tease but that's all for now.  My back is hurting and I need to walk around for a bit.

What's this all about??

Very soon I am going to begin the rest of my life.  Tomorrow I'll explain how I got into this mess in the first place but as a sorta introduction I want to explain why I'm creating this blog.

I'm naming this "My Own Bootstraps" because, well, I'm about to reach down and grab those ole bootstraps and pull myself out of a hole, that for the last 3 1/2 years I haven't even been able to see my way out of until recently.  I could just as easily have called this "Reinventing Donni" because that is exactly what I'm about to do, reinvent myself.  I chose the bootstrap name because there are some people out there (um...they call themselves Christian Republicans...) who seem to think it's as easy as pie to just change your life at the drop of the hat.  And because I have actually been here before I know what I have to do to climb out of the hole I'm in and make something out of my life.

It's not going to be easy.  I will run into roadblocks.  I will cry but I'll also laugh.  I always try to find the silver lining in things.  But most of all, I am going to be doing this from step one and I am going to take anyone who reads this on a journey with me.  I will not be asking for donations, but do not be surprised if I apply for help along the way.  That is why there are programs, and I will use whatever help I can get to do what I have to do.  And maybe I can help someone else on their own road see that they are not alone.

At this point, I only have an idea for a plan.  You will learn as I do on what steps I need to take when I come to a point when I have to make a decision, and I might even ask for advice.  I have always said, we are all in this together.  There are people out there who have been through something I may run into and I may find myself at a cross road where I can see a few feet down the line on both sides and may need advice.  But at any rate, I will be making my own decisions and choices and we will see where they go from here.

I will try to jot something down every day but there may be a day I miss, so don't think I'm throwing in the towel. I'm a pretty strong cookie and I might get upset but I never give up.

So if you decide to follow me, enjoy the ride!!