To make an epic saga a short story, I was widowed twice by the time I was 27 (because of alcohol, both times). I had 4 kids by then and when hubby #2 died I threw myself into my job and started working 17 hours a day, 7 days a week. My head wasn't screwed on tight at the time; who'da thunk I would be left alone with 4 kids to raise and I thought I had to do whatever I could to bring in money, which (in my screwed up head) meant working till I dropped. But of course I didn't have to drop, I began taking speed to keep up with the pace I set for myself. And, of course, the drug took over my life and for the next 4 years I was an addict and a heavy addict. I really screwed everything up with my addiction (as any addict will) but I was smart enough to know what I was doing and began taking steps to get clean.
Which I did, with the help of my four kids. Whenever someone knocked on my front door I would go to my room and my kids would answer the door and tell whoever it was that I wasn't home. After a couple of months of sleeping and eating and hiding from the knock on the door I was finally able to answer the door and be strong. Before it was all over we ended up homeless, but that only lasted for about a month. And by then I was ready to go out and get a job and start supporting my kids myself.
At one point I had 3 jobs. I didn't have a car, I took the bus everywhere I went, which meant it was dark when I left in the morning for my 1st job and it was dark when I got home and sometimes I only got 4 hours of sleep at night. By now my kids were teens and pre-teens and that is a bad age to leave alone to raise themselves. To say my kids took advantage of that would be an understatement and let me tell you, the after shocks of my own addiction are still being felt today, 17 years after I got clean. But that's a story for another day.
Fast forward to the year 2000. I had been in my job as Assistant Manager at Walgreen's for a year by then, and was finally able to pay my bills and start paying off some debts. My dream of all dreams was to own my own home, one I could retire in, one I could make my own, that I could leave to my kids when I died. And I met a man that I thought was the one, let's call him BC. He was a fairly decent guy but the thing I loved the most about him was the fact that I could come home from work and my house was clean and he would make sure I had a warm meal, no matter what time I got home. I always say, actions speak louder than words and his actions showed me he really cared about ME. He had a drinking problem, though, and I told him I will not just sit around and watch him die like my husbands before him so if he wanted to marry me he would quit drinking....and he did, and we got married.
In 2004 we moved to Washington State so we could get married and start fresh. I transferred with Walgreen's and helped open many new stores and we were happy. Then my 3rd grandson was born in November with a 4 pound tumor and I stayed in Las Vegas with my daughter for 2 weeks to help her. His tumor was removed and he began putting on weight and we all high-fived each other and hugged and cried and thought that was all over with. So I went back to WA to get back to work on my dream. Gabe's tumor returned a year later and that began a series of surgeries and chemo and craziness I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I did all I could to help my daughter and her husband, every year I would take a couple of months off of work to go to Vegas to help when she had another child and Gabe was on chemo. At least I got a chance to know him and spend quality time with him. There's that.
In 2005 my husband was crushed between a dumpster and a dump truck at work and it crushed his spine. He ended up having 2 surgeries on his spine but the worst part of that was his surgeon, who loved to write those prescriptions. I stood next to my husband when he told his Dr. he was addicted and the doc said there was no way around that. And I should have known, I should have seen it all coming but I was blind I suppose. Because the next year, in May 2006 I realized my dream and moved into my first home. The day we moved into the home, BC moved into the garage and I never saw my husband again. By Christmas that year I sat him down, all the skin on his face was drooping and he looked like a candle melting, and I told him I think he's dying. He had lost 75 lbs in 6 months and he looked awful. And thus began my co-addiction and I learned what my kids probably went through when I was going through my own addiction....what comes around, goes around, karma's a bitch, I know!!
The summer of 2007 I took 2 months to go to Vegas to help my daughter when she had her 4th baby while Gabe was in chemo. While I was gone my lovely husband wrote over $7000 worth of bad checks and had quite a party on my credit. And of course, I was responsible for that. It wasn't long after I got home that I found out it was heroin. I paid for him to go to rehab 3 times over the next 2 years but he just didn't want to get clean that bad. The last I have heard from or about him was he was in jail for 3 counts heroin possession, criminal impersonation and possession of a stolen vehicle. He may never get clean.
But 2008 was the worst year of all. In April I was lifting a box at work that was 1) too big & awkward; 2) heavier than I thought it would be and 3) I had to lower the box to a girl under me. It slipped and I tightened my hold and I felt something give in my back. Thinking I had only pulled a muscle I continued to work for a couple more months until I lost all feeling in my left arm, then I knew I was doing more and more damage to myself and finally began to see a doctor. My last day at work was July 7, 2008. My doctor suggested for me to see a chiropractor and I had begun that and only had one appointment left on July 19, when my girl called and told me Gabe was in the hospital, his kidneys were shutting down. I knew, even without her talking to the doctors, that this was the sign, the end was near. I didn't even think twice, I got on a plane and went to my daughter. I was gone for 6 weeks, I kept in touch with my boss, my doctors, even workman's comp and was told by all that I should take as much time as I needed to and I could come back and pick up where I left off. Yeah, right.
By this time I had 7 grand kids, ranging from a couple of months to 10 years old and with all that was going on of course I picked up and held my grand kids, especially my Gabe Gabe and pain be damned. And it's not like all I did while I was there was to play with a bunch of babies....I was the one who made the arrangements for my 3 year old grandson, do you even know what it does to a person to pick out a casket for a baby?? It messes with your mind, for sure. But I had to be strong for my girl and my son in law and the rest of my family and the way I looked at it was "this is why I had to go through my 2 husbands, so I could be ready for this" and that helped me get through it.
When I came back I found that everything I owned and had worked for had been pawned. I went to my doctor and was told that I didn't have insurance with Kaiser anymore because I missed my last appointment (even tho I had been in contact with them), my boss wouldn't let me come back to work without a letter from a doctor that released me and at this point I had nothing to pay my bills with. The best thing that happened that year was I had begun my divorce and I had been discharged in bankruptcy court. But I still had my home, and my car (thankfully, my car was paid off)...and I had gotten myself a lawyer and was finally able to see a doctor and he found out that I had blown out a disc in my neck and it was pressing on a nerve that was attached to the muscle in my back....
And workman's comp said that since I didn't complain about my neck they dismissed my case. Thus began the fight in court and 2 years after I had injured myself I finally got approved and got my surgery but by then I was already bent like a question mark and my muscles had atrophied. But before that (and any family I have besides my kids have never heard this part, so Mom, hang on tight) I had had enough. I didn't have an income, I didn't have a job, what I did have was a husband who had gone through my entire 401K in a matter of a couple of months, Walgreen's was fighting me tooth and nail about my application for unemployment AND workman's comp and I just had enough. So one night I took all of my husbands pills and drank a whole bottle of wine and laid down to sleep, and never wanted to wake back up.
There are people who say there isn't a God but there has to be someone looking out for me because in the middle of the night I threw up everything, and I woke up the next day and the first thing that went through my head was, "I have to do something to end this;" so I did. I finalized my divorce, I went to a doctor and told him what I had done and he began helping me pick up the pieces, I at least got pain medication and an antidepressant and more tests, then I went to the community college in my town and began going to school. And I won my case for unemployment and was finally able to pay my mortgage and bills. I saw a light at the end of my tunnel.
I also won my case with workman's comp in Jan, 2010. I had spinal fusion in Feb and my lovely surgeon never saw me again after that, he kept writing me script's, though, and August of last year I talked to my lawyer and he helped me find another Doctor (and I love this woman!!) and she helped me get off the meds. One year ago I detoxed from all those pain meds I had been on for so long. I'm not out of pain but I have more knowledge on how to deal with it now. I have finally been to physical therapy and even tho I've had another surgery (not workman's comp, this one I'm paying for out of pocket) to repair my knee's, I'm still better off physically than I was a year and a half ago.
So that is the short version of how I got into this crazy mess I'm in. There's more to it, of course, but this touches on the domino's that fell to get me to where I am today, and not to tease but that's all for now. My back is hurting and I need to walk around for a bit.
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