So close yet so far

I woke up this morning and looked at the ceiling and thought  "another freaking weekend..."  But a lot has happened and I am so close to moving I can almost taste it.  My daughter just came up here on the Greyhound and said there was very little snow on the trip so I decided to take the chance and make the trip.

All of the doctor reports are in and Workman's Comp is making the final decisions on the level of my disability and I am hoping they make their decision this week, and it looks good that they will.

And boy am I ready to move!!  I have a truck on hold, boxes for the few things I need to pack, a house picked out (and I'm really hoping this house is still available when the time comes!!  It's beautiful!!)

In the mean time, I have been keeping busy teaching myself how to use a sewing machine again.  It's been about 20 years since I used a sewing machine but it all came back to me, just like riding a bike.  I have made jammy pants for all of my  grandkids and today I will be making blankets.

I know I said that if I was still here in this house on the 15th I would start looking for a home in Vancouver but I really REALLY miss those babies.  Even if you take out my plans for school and work they are truly the most important reason I am making this move.  So I have decided to buy tire chains and make the big move to Nevada.  I was hoping I could see them for Christmas but I don't think that will happen....perhaps I can start the new year in a new home.

I'm very excited!!

The countdown is officially on.

My appointment last week was to take a series of vocational tests to see if I can read and add and there were some other weird tests that were more like a match game with open boxes that I had to fold in my head and decide what shape they took.  Before I left the lady who gave me the tests had graded the first set and told me I was so far above average.  She said that based on what she saw I am "at college level."  Nice....

Monday I had 2 doctor appointments for independent medical exams and those are to see if I need more medical help and if I really am at a category 3 disability, or if I have gotten "better."  I was very careful with the psychological exam, I tried to laugh instead of cry...I don't want anyone to say I need to stick around for the next 6 months or whatever for treatment I have  yet to receive.  I told him that I believe (and I really do) that if I was left alone to my own devices I would do much better with my life than this constant waiting for some one else to decide what I should do with my life, then I told him what my plans and goals are.  He pretty much said that I am right, there are many plus's to allowing my case to close and doing things on my own without their "help."

So now the countdown is on.  My lawyer told me that these 2 doctors had 14 days to write their reports but I forgot to ask if that was 14 days or 14 working days so I am taking into consideration that we have a holiday weekend and have put on my calendar December 12 as the final day to receive the reports, which is only a few days from the deadline I gave to myself.  Which is in 3 weeks....that means that if I am still on Workman's Comp in 3 weeks I will be moving to the next largest town from me, Vancouver, WA...40 miles from me now.  The very last thing I want to do is move twice but if I have to I will.

As far as Thanksgiving, I wouldn't do anything if I were by myself but I have a daughter here.  There were many years while they were growing up when we had next to nothing but I always tried to do something special for holiday's, and just because my kids are adults that hasn't changed.  The problem is all my pans and dishes are packed, so we are doing something different....I asked her what she would like for dinner and she chose fried chicken and potato salad so that's going to be our Thanksgiving dinner this year.  And really, who says you have to have turkey for Thanksgiving??

I hope everyone has a great holiday weekend and no matter how bad things are, there is always something to be thankful for.  I am thankful for my family, as always.  I am also thankful that my nephew came through his surgery on Monday with flying colors.  Love you, Joe :)

There's been a slight change of plans

First, I got a new computer (yippy!!)  It's an el-cheapo (Emachine) but it will work until I can afford a better model, I hope.  I also splurged for Office 2010, and I will explain why in a minute.

It seems I have 3 more doctor appointments (I didn't know about the 3rd one until this morning) I have to go to, and that means I will be here in the Pacific Northwest for at least 2 more months, one for the appointments and one waiting (it's all I seem to do anymore, wait...) for the reports the doctors are to write.  There was a few days I had to double my Prozac when I learned about this delay.  My whole point in wanting to move now was so I could (1) avoid the snow in the mountains and (2) register for the winter classes in Nevada, but it seems Workman's Comp has other ideas, again.

So I am considering a small move to Vancouver, WA.  It's a larger town than the one I live in now and just across the river from Portland, OR.  There should be more opportunity for a job, even a minimum wage job, there than here, at least until the spring thaw.   Unless we have a very warm winter with little snow in the mountains but I doubt it.  My daughter just moved up here with me to help me move and I may try it but I will have to see how bad the weather is when the time comes.

I have been crazy out of my mind, another Halloween and Christmas away from all my grand kids.  I feel like the time is slipping away from me and before I know it, I am going to miss the best part of their lives.  I know that's a bit silly, being a part of their lives, any part, is important....I just miss them terribly.  And I am sick of living out of a box.  Seriously!!  Not to mention the utter boredom.

So for the last couple of weeks, without a TV, news of any kind, radio, job, I have been making rugs.  I have made myself work for 8 hours every day and I have made 3 rugs and 2 pillows.  I haven't finished them, I will this week, but the really good news is that I have found a way to make them that isn't as expensive as the kits;  I can use my own designs and maybe sell them.  So I have found something I can do to pass the time that is constructive.  I'm also considering buying a sewing machine to make blankets to sell.

I splurged on Office 2010 because I am going to teach myself Excel and Word and PowerPoint (and whatever else is on here) just as soon as I learn this Windows 7 ( ha ha ha!!)  I know all of these programs in the very old versions (except for PowerPoint) but I need to know these things so I can put that on my resume.  Regardless of whether or not I look for a job up here or in NV I will need to know how to use them so I am going to use my time on learning all these new programs.

And I have given myself a due date.  If I am still here on December 15, I will move to Vancouver.  I also have to know these programs inside and out by then.  So this should be fun.  But for today I have some catching up to do in the election!!  I wonder, has anything changed or is it like a bad soap opera??  Let's find out!

This is me fed up!!

I have been living out of cardboard boxes since April, after the first time I was told my workman's comp case was going to be closed.  I have eaten everything I had in my freezers and cupboards.  I have turned off cable (I really miss my shows but have decided I wont be getting cable again for a very long time, if at all) and gas, and spent the whole morning snuggled under blankets with my critters (which, actually, I do enjoy, ha ha!).  I am fed up with waiting for someone else to make a decision about my life and what I am supposed to do with it.  So I called my lawyer and asked him to close my case, what ever he had to do; I have decided that I want to put myself through school, I AM DONE WAITING.  So my lawyer will get back to me, ha ha ha ha!!!  Figures!!

I'm fed up with my computer, which has been acting funky for some time  now.  I've done everything I can think of, including dumping my hard drive...I'm not even sure I will be able to post this blog.  I have decided that I just need a new computer, I just don't have the memory on this 10 year old thing to be able to do the things I need to be able to do with it.  I have filled every slot for memory sticks (if that is what they are for...I know they fit, but they haven't sped up a thing); I have uninstalled Google Chrome and am using IE, which I really don't like but I never had these problems this bad before I installed Chrome and I had gotten to the point where I have to clear the cache several times a day, still I have to wait 20 minutes for anything to open, IE is just a bit faster.  It has to be the lack of memory because if I had viruses dumping the hard drive should have taken care of that.  So I'm looking for a new computer I can afford, with tons of memory!

I am REALLY fed up with getting sick, so much so that after this last round I went and got a flu shot, for the first time in my life.  I know why I got so sick this time, because I haven't really eaten much in the way of fresh anything.  Processed canned and boxed food lasts a long time, which is why I keep it for emergencies, but that is all I have been living on for most of this year.  So when I went to get the flu shot, I also bought fresh fruit and veges and even a bunch of V8....I will spend the next couple of weeks eating salads.  Not sure if that will help with the head full of snot, I'm hoping the climate in Nevada will help that, it's just too dang wet here in Washington. 

And I am totally fed up with this little town I live in now.  As long as I am on workman's comp I can't even volunteer, which I could if I were on unemployment looking for work.  There are ZERO jobs here, and the closest town that has any jobs is 40 miles away.  I don't have a problem with minimum wage jobs, as long as I can afford a minimum wage job, but I can't travel 80 miles a day on that, and I truly need something to do to keep myself busy. I was going to go to Occupy Kelso (which is the little town next to mine) but when I got so sick last week I knew I couldn't go out and spend any time in the rain.  My resistance is too low right now to do that.

So here I am, still waiting.  And now that I have voiced my personal rantings I think I will call my lawyer again and just bug him until he closes my case and I can get on with my life. 

Just as I thought

Thankfully I didn't get my hopes up about being retrained by workman's comp.  A little glimmer, maybe, but not much more than that.  Since my interview with the vocational rehab counselor I have been checking the workman's comp website religiously and have been watching the progression, little by little, and yesterday there was the paperwork I had expected to see all along.

The voc counselor has determined that I am physically able to work at Old Navy, ringing customers and putting clothes on hangers.  I had to laugh at that.  And my doctor has signed off on it.  Of course she did, because the description she was given was so easy anyone can do it!  And that's ok, as a matter of fact, she's right. I can work at Old Navy for minimum wage while I put myself through school, I might even apply there once I move to Las Vegas!

I was told last year that the vocational department wasn't concerned with how much money I can make once I go back out to the work force, even though I was making just under $20 an hour in my last job, they only care that I can get a job, any job, even if it's pumping gas (which, she did check on, ha ha ha).  I am not broken hearted here, to be honest, I'm almost relieved.  I have been thinking for the last couple of weeks that I think I would rather do this on my own anyway.  I have jumped through enough hoops in the last 3 1/2 years, it's time to get out in the world and spread my wings my way.

So now it's in the hands of workman's comp and I don't expect this to take very long.  I hope it doesn't.  I'm a bit worried about driving a big truck with my car on a trailer behind me through the snowy passes, I'd really like to get going before the snow falls.  Also, I have been getting the holiday decorating fever that I always get this time of the year.  I want to get gone and in a home so I can unpack my spiders and ghosts.

In the mean time, there is nothing left to pack except whatever I use every day.  There is nothing left in the garage, I have recycled everything I had left that I could get any money for and donated the rest.  And since I found myself completely bored out of my mind I splurged $30 on a latch-hook rug and a couple of embroidery kits.  That should keep me busy until I am free to make my move.  Soon soon soon, I hope.

Anticipation...

I really have no news at this time, workman's comp hasn't gotten back to me, nor my lawyer, nor the vocational counselor.  The only reason I am posting this today is to add from another blog I have, just to keep things open:

What has happened to us?

                           

I had had enough with politics.  The last time I turned on the news I saw Iran’s President telling the UN how America had started WWI & WWII, Korea, Vietnam, 9/11 & the Holocaust were hoaxes, and I just turned the news off, I had had enough.  I haven’t been on Facebook; I haven’t read any articles, no Rachel Maddow, nothing.  I just got so frustrated that I needed a break, so I’ve been reading books and watching movies that had nothing to do with the sad state of affairs we are in.  Until this morning.

After I got my morning coffee I turned on CNN and for a minute I thought someone had taken my own blog and were reporting on it.  The man being interviewed was saying if you can get a job right now hurray for you but you should think about getting a second job and if you can’t do that there are other ways of making extra money, such as yard sales, mowing lawns, ect.  REALLY?? 

Not only had I written a blog just about 2 weeks ago saying exactly this, but I went on the White House page and asked those posting on the page MONTHS AGO if they themselves didn’t do whatever they could to earn extra money (called ‘revenue’ in Congress).  On that particular day I got back a lot of what I could only think would be considered denial.  “I wouldn’t ever get in the position to have to earn extra money because I would never own a credit card;” “I paid cash for my house so that would never happen to me.”  Um, yeah….like I said, denial. 

But the most telling thing about the interview this morning was the fact that just a year ago TV news stations were talking about “HOW YOU CAN SAVE YOUR HOME.”  Now they aren’t even going there (he did, for just a moment, bring up the value of refinancing but held himself back from laughing at what he had just said,  then told the viewers good luck with that), they are now talking about ways to stretch your unemployment dollar or just simply making extra money.    We have gotten to the point that even the main stream media is giving America financial advice that tells them to try selling their things on EBAY and Craigslist and yard sales. 

Perhaps it is just too soon for me to watch the news.  It scares me to think what the main stream media will be talking about in another 6 months; will they be giving the addresses of local soup kitchens and food pantries??  We have gone too far already but with the right wing already saying that Obama’s doesn’t know how to get us back to work I have zero hope for anything close to compromise for American’s. 

So I think I’m done watching the news for today.  I believe I will go out to what’s left of my own yard sale and see what I have that I can recycle for a couple of extra bucks.  

I may have screwed myself by doing the right thing

The last time I talked to a Vocational Counselor she was not a very nice person.  I do understand that there are those people who take advantage of the system but she came right out and told me that if I had run a cash register before then I can run a cash register again at a gas station and she wasn't concerned with the idea that I can't live on minimum wage, as long as she finds I can go back to work.  It was this attitude that I was expecting and even banking on when I sat with my new Vocational Counselor yesterday.  I was also going on the fact that when my ex-husband was on workman's comp he was told he could not move out of state and continue to receive workman's comp, or go to school outside of Washington.  I was so wrong!!

The first thing she told me yesterday was that I was too limited physically to be a cashier.  She also told me that the idea that the first counselor's plan that I can work in any pharmacy because I have a Pharmacy Assistant license  is outdated, which I already knew both but it was nice to hear someone else say it.  But I never expected to even come close to being considered for retraining, I have fully expected to do this without help of any kind.  My lawyer and the counselor also said that because the labor market here in this little town is  so bad that it is possible for me to be able to move out of state and be retrained elsewhere.  I thought I had died and gone to heaven, those were the best words I could hear!!  Until after the meeting, when the counselor and I were walking out of the office and she took a phone call from her supervisor.

That's when I was told that I should move before we make a plan, if I am found to be re-trainable.  And the reality of that single statement struck me on my way home from the meeting.  All this time I have put some money to the side but not nearly enough to move 1000 miles, that will take thousands of dollars.  What I have been doing is trying to pay as much as possible on the student loans, medical bills and taxes that I owe.  Plus I did a lot to my car (tires, brakes, battery, whatever it needed to keep running well, NOT a new stereo, I can only listen to the classic station here in town, we have no reception).  So I don't have any regrets as to what I have done with my money, I just didn't realize that I could have already moved.  I would have done things very differently.  My thinking was that I should pay as much off as possible so I wouldn't owe so much when I do move, and I was hoping I could pay less after the move.

This job climate may just help me in the long run and if I'm able I may be able to have an income AND my education paid for because of the job climate.  I never saw that coming.  I fully expected my case to be closed by the end of next week and to be renting a truck soon after, and that is still possible.  But I have to be flexible and thankfully I am.  Here's the thing, I have to stop paying those debts for about a month, to 2 months, to be able to have the money to move.  Or pay much much less.  So my job today is to sit down with my budget and look at what else I can cut off to save even more money, and figure the very least of what I can pay out to those fun debts I have.  Maybe if I pay them $10.00 a month for the next 2 or 3 months they will keep from suing me.  The IRS may not be happy with that, so I may have to talk to them, as it is they want $600.00 a month for the next 2 months but I'm sure if I pay something it will work out that I end up paying more in the long run in interest but they will (hopefully) stay out of my bank account.

This is going to be rather tricky but it's not like I can work overtime for extra money and I don't have very much more to recycle (what i do have would only be enough to put gas in my car), I don't have enough to move to another state, HA HA!!    So I'll rework my budget and lower my expenses even more (I'll find a way!!) and wait to see what happens.  It could turn out, they don't find me re-trainable and close my case, but I have to be ready for whatever now and I have a little bit of time to think of a new game plan.

Budget busting Donni Style

If you've been wondering what I've been up to this past week, well, I've been keeping myself busy.  I have these little tricks I use to make money and it only takes a little bit of effort.

Even if things are going great I save plastic bottles and aluminum cans; I actually have 2 trash cans in my kitchen, one for actual trash and one for bottles and cans.  I probably won't keep bottles when I move to Nevada because our recycling center only pays a penny a pound and I just don't have the storage space for that many bottles but where I'm living now I can go across the bridge to Oregon and get a nickel a bottle.  The price of aluminum changes but right now it's .40 a pound.  When I take my dog for a walk I take a bag with me to pick up cans, so I'm helping clean my community and making a bit of money at the same time.

Usually, this is my garage sale money but I'm not going to any garage sales lately, I'm having my own garage sales.  I have been trying to get rid of what I don't need, and keeping what ever is the most important, for the move.  But I have at least one garage sale a year, depending on if I need money I might have more, and I do pretty good.  The trick is, I don't throw anything away.  I'm not a hoarder, I have no problem throwing something away if it doesn't work anymore.  I am a pack rat but I'm an organised pack rat.  I keep a box (or two) put aside for anything I don't use anymore just for a garage sale.  There have been times when I might give stuff away if I meet someone who can use something I have and don't use, but I keep things to the side, just for a sale.  So far I've made over $1000 this year alone in garage sales, but I've also been selling furniture this time.

Another thing I put to the side is scrap metal and electronics that I don't use or breaks down.  My daughter cashed in my scrap about a month ago for gas money but I cashed in my old electronics yesterday, and made about $24 for less than 30 minutes of actual work (putting them into my car, driving to the recycle center, unloading from the car), all I had to do is put the stuff to the side instead of throwing in the garbage can.  When I do things like this I call it my money in the bank.  It's there if I need gas money or milk money or whatever.  I really didn't need the money at this time but I'm not moving this stuff  a thousand miles, that makes no sense.  Make sure you check with the recycling center in your state/town.  Every place is different so don't take my word for it, I may not be able to get cash for my old electronics in Nevada, but that's one of the first things I'm going to check on when I get there.

I also have a trick with food.  The first thing I should suggest, if you ever get extra money (say, when you get a tax return) invest in a freezer and a vacuum bag machine.  I also have an Army supply pot that I use all the time.  When I go to the grocery store I know how much I can spend.  As I run out of stuff I write in on a list but no matter what, I spend all that I allow myself.  I never plan meals before I go shopping, because I only buy what's on sale, so I basically plan my meals as I shop.  And I always buy extra, even things I don't always eat, like canned meat, chicken, tuna, rice, beans, etc.  Anything that keeps for a long time.  My ex-husband used to say we really don't need anything but what he never understood is, we may not need it now but we might need it in the future, and here it is, my future.

I haven't had to buy food in months other than fresh milk, vegetables for salads, and food for my pets (but I buy big on that too).  I went through my cupboards the other day and have planned meals for the next 2 weeks, even with barely anything there.  I have 2 freezers, one is empty but there's still food in the other one.  When I cook, I cook big (can't help that, after cooking for 4 kids and all their friends I'm just used to it) and I freeze leftovers.  So all I have to do is throw something in the microwave and dinner is done.  I have my own bean  and rice recipe and I make a big pot, then freeze the leftovers (and my big pot could feed me alone for a month), and with beans and rice, you can also throw that on tortillas with some veges & cheese and you got burritos.  There's so much you can do with leftovers and I experiment all the time.



So right now, instead of buying groceries I have been putting that money towards savings and paying off medical bills, and I have some extra bills I have almost paid off.  It's great, actually.  And speaking of bills, I make sure that as soon as I can I do the budget billing so that I only pay the same amount every month.  Sometimes you have to be in a place for a year before they can start that.

Just a quick note before I go, I have an appointment with a Vocational counselor next week.  I think this is my last appointment I have to go to in this God forsaken town.  I'm hoping I will be able to move at the end of this month.

The next step, coming up

I have been trying to keep busy for the last week and a half.  I've been packing and labeling the rest of my daughters stuff, getting my bank accounts connected, getting the paperwork together that I'm going to need when I go to apply for grants for school.  Busy work, but at least it makes the time go faster.  Until Saturday....

I woke up Saturday morning; it was a beautiful day and I just wanted to get out of the house and enjoy the day.  So I took my Sugar Love (my Boston Terrier mix) to Mt. St. Helen's and we went for a hike on a small trail, not a hard one.  We went until the trail forked off into 5 different paths and I decided that since I didn't have any supplies (I didn't even take water) I really didn't feel like spending the night looking for the right trail back, so we turned around.  It was nice, peaceful, quiet.  And by the time I got home I was hurting.  My knee (I just had surgery in December) was swollen and purple (just from a walk, can you believe it??) and for some reason my back was swollen and hasn't stopped hurting since.  It's very frustrating!!  All I did was go for a walk!!  So I have been taking it easy since and today I'm feeling much better.

I've been also checking the website for workman's comp, to see if they are doing anything with my case and finally I have learned that they are setting me up with a vocational rehab counselor.  YAY!!  My experience, along with what everyone tells me, is that as long as I've run a cash register in the past I have all the work experience I need for them to let me go.  What does that mean?  It means that as soon as I meet with the Voc counselor I will be cut off of workman's comp within days.  And I will be free to do what I want to do.  I have to wait for her to make an appointment with myself and my lawyer at the same time, and after that, within day's I will be released!!

I have this urge to push things to go faster but I have to be patient.  I have this deep feeling that if I just let things happen naturally then things will go much better for me.  That is one thing I have learned, to follow my gut instincts....I can't trust my head because then I'll be second guessing everything; I can't follow my heart because my heart lies to me; but my gut has been right on the money almost every time!!  And this time around, I want to do things right!!  So for now, I wait....

Great news from my Doctor

My Doctor is totally on board with my plans and thinks I'm right, I can finally move on.  She doesn't think I need to see another doc but it will all be up to workman's comp, now.  She made another appointment for me to see her in 6 weeks but she said I may be gone by then.  6 weeks, HOORAY!!!

My daughter made it to Vegas ok.  I guess they drove straight through (I will not, I may just spread it out to 3 days and enjoy the ride) and by the time they got there they were both a bit crabby.  HA HA

Now I'm almost too excited but I have to hold back the urge to pack everything I have left right now or else I'll be unpacking for something I will need in a couple of days.  Also, I got a phone call from a landlord in Vegas and I think he likes me, so I may have a home to go to after all.  I'm still thinking about the studio, tho...

Anyway, my doc said that it's usually pretty quick once workman's comp get's the go ahead.  I hope so!!  I'm not even sure if I'm getting a full paycheck next week, or if that's my last one, so more than ever, now I have to be very very careful.  From right now until I am working full time making more than $15 an hour.  That's my goal, and I think I can pull it off in 3 years.

So here I go :)

Did I mention I'm a Taurus??

Anyone who knows me well will tell you, I'm stubborn.  Most Taureans wouldn't admit it but I will, it's who I am and who I've always been.  I am pretty good with going with the flow but I have to be the one to make up my own mind, there's no one on earth who can make it for me.  It takes a lot to anger me but when I do the phrase "bull in a China shop" is an understatement.  And when I do make up my mind it's pretty hard for me to change it, stubborn, don't ya know....

So for the last few months, while this plan has been hatching in my head I have been thinking about getting a small house, that I may have to go to the ghetto of Las Vegas.  I have my own washer, dryer, refrigerator, chest freezer...I've been thinking about my grand kids coming over to spend weekends and what if my kids need a place to live, I should have space.  So when I received the news that I owed so much in taxes (I know $1200 isn't really that much but it's a small fortune for someone with little money) and looking at the fact that I just consolidated my student loans and my medical bills into 2 loans I had a moment of "now what the heck am I supposed to do??"  "How on earth am I supposed to do this??"  So I took a step back and did a little personal inventory.

When my doctor and workman's comp releases me medically I will be paid, as my doctor has put it to me, for what my neck is worth.  It wont be a lot but it will (hopefully) be enough to get a head start in my new life. So I have already taken a look at what I may receive (and I'm still not sure, I'm going on what my doctor and lawyer have told me I might receive) and I have made a budget accordingly.  

I have already started shutting stuff off.  Gas is off, and satellite gets turned off today.  Officially, I am paying more in medical bills, student loans and taxes than I am paying to live.  So how am I supposed to get by when I move??  Am I going to end up living in my car??  Then I had an ah-ha moment on Saturday.

Las Vegas is the hotel capital, in my opinion, and I know there are efficiencies and studio apartments I can rent weekly and monthly.  The trick is finding one that accepts dogs and cats.  And I have.  It would cost between $750 and $800 a month but I wouldn't have to worry about paying any utility bills, I can keep my costs way down that way.  I would have to get a storage unit but I don't have much so I can just get one that can hold my appliances until I am working and able to pay more in rent.  I can still make pallets on the floor for my grand kids (my grandparents did when I came to visit, or I brought my sleeping bag) and there is even an efficiency that has 2 bedrooms if I need room for my kids.  That one is a bit more than $800 a month but they will just have to pitch in and help me.

It was almost as though a weight lifted off of my shoulders.  I knew then, I know now, that I have options that I can do, that won't leave me broke in less than 6 months.  I do plan on applying for unemployment as soon as I get there but that takes time to receive so I have to be careful.  I think the trick was to be able to wrap my mind about moving from my own large 3 bedroom to a small studio apartment and yes, it will be a big change, but just by doing this small thing I will be saving money in the long run.  It will at least give me a head start.

Another note, my daughter moved out yesterday.  She is going ahead of me to Vegas and she should be between Reno and Vegas by now.  She is staying with a friend and she is going to be applying for the Air Force as soon as she gets there.  This weekend I have been watching all the documentaries I had saved on my DVR and I only have one left, it's 3 hours long and it's about Vietnam, so that's what I'm going to do for the rest of today.  Tomorrow I see my doctor and I will see how close I am to the move.

I've actually got butterflies in my stomach, I'm so excited about moving and starting my life again!!

The obstacles before I even begin

This has been a pretty frustrating week.  For starters, I went to Lower Columbia College, where I went in 2009, and applied for my official transcript.  Wait, back up a bit....in Jan 2010 I had to quit school so I could have my spinal fusion.  I had just started my winter classes and I had received my student loan, which I spent on my mortgage payment, so I couldn't just return it.  Well, even though I've been paying on it I still can't get my transcript until it's completely paid off.  Which isn't a problem, I've been paying it because I knew I had to have it paid off to be able to return to school and I only have about $700 left so I'm doing pretty good with that.

But I had also done my taxes wrong for 2009.  I had received unemployment for that year but in the first week of Jan 2010 I paid every dime back.  I had asked what I should do and I was told that if I paid it back I didn't have to claim it.  That was bad advice, I just got a letter from the IRS that I owed about $1200 in taxes for 2009 .  That is after I sent them all my receipts from unemployment.  I'm not sure but I think I can claim that on this years taxes but that's a lot of money out of my pocket right now.  Ok, so I worked that into my budget, it just means I have to turn off cable a little earlier than I thought.  In this little town I live in and even with the HD converter I still can't pick up local stations because I live in a valley between mountains but I have a ton of movies if I get bored and the 2 things I can't really turn off are my phone and Internet if I plan on finding a home online.  If it gets bad enough I guess I can always go to the library and get a boost mobile phone.  

Probably the worst obstacle is my sleeping pattern.  It sucks, to be blunt.  My Mom will tell you, I have never been a morning person but something she might not know is I've always wanted to be.  That's not the problem, the problem is 1st) after all these years of working shift work and mostly the night shift and 2nd) I have a bad snoring problem.  I don't have anything to do yet I am tired all the time, and I'm pretty sure it's because I'm not getting enough sleep at night, even tho I sleep.  So I have been trying those nasal strips, which seem to work alright....except now I've been having strange dreams that trouble me for no particular reason.  I'm hoping this will change when I'm able to do something more creative with myself during the day but sometimes that seems so so far away.  Today I'm feeling a bit blah, like I don't want to even get out of bed.  Yes, I have been diagnosed as clinically depressed but the truth is if your depressed the best thing for you to do is get out of bed, get up and do something (so today I decided to put my thoughts down here, and maybe after this I'll go watch a Will Farrell move or something equally silly).  I do know this will pass, I just can't shake the idea that something is wrong with my ex husband....just because I divorced him doesn't mean I stopped caring, I just couldn't be his co dependent anymore.  I'm also just going to throw this out there but I will not dwell on it, it sucks being in pain.....I may jot a few things down on that another time but not now....

Anyway, when I stepped outside earlier I could smell Fall, just around the corner.  Strange, I never knew you could smell the seasons before they arrived but you can.  I'm going to miss the colors here, every season has so many different colors....I'm not going to miss the FLEAS..... grrrrrrr.... :)

Some days are just too boring

I had hoped when I started this blog that I would be able to keep up with it daily but for right now, there's just too much time to do nothing.  I could rant about politics but that's what I created a page for, or I could expand on my sob story life but it's important to not dwell on the past; I have a future to look forward to.  So for now, in between doctor appointments and the endless waiting I really don't have too much to keep myself occupied.  I play games on the computer (I am the Mahjong queen) and I clean my house (although it really couldn't get much cleaner) and I color in velvet posters (it was the cheapest 'hobby' I could find; I would love to make quilts but my sewing machine died and I can't afford a new one just now) and I dream about my plans.  Sometimes I do more than dream and that's what I've been doing for the last couple of days.

One thing I've been doing is going through web sites and seeing what my prospects are for affordable housing.  That's probably going to be the hardest obstacle I'm going to have in the move.  When I moved up here to WA I got lucky with someone who was willing to rent me a home site unseen and I'm going to try that again.  I really don't care what the place looks like, if I don't like it I can always move when my lease is up.  My most important objective here is to find a place I can afford and that is going to be tough.  I need to try to find a home that accepts animals (I am not giving up my dog.  Period) and in my price range.  Now Sugar isn't a large dog so I don't see too much problem with that but finding something in my price range and them allowing me to rent without meeting me face to face first, now that's a different story.

There are a couple of places available right now in my price range, a couple that are a tiny bit over my price range that I may consider and they all take animals (although some ask for a pet rent, very ridiculous) but for now I don't have a move date so it would be crazy for me to even begin a conversation.  So for now I'm just getting an idea on what I have to look forward to.  I will have to stay in budget, which my budget is gonna be tight, so I have to be very careful.

The second thing I have done kept me up late last night with it going through my head, all the possibilities I can do.  I am planning on going back to school as soon as possible and now I have a definite date to begin that.  I have to be in NV by the end of September, beginning of October no matter what if I want to begin in January.  Registration begins in November and I don't know what it's going to take to be able to sit down with a counselor, but I have all the paperwork now.  I know what classes I need and how I need to move forward.

It's going to be longer than I thought, I have a lot of prerequisites but I have already taken 2 semester's and I was on the President's Honor Roll in 2009 and I can carry those credits with me.  That means I have a head start on my prereq's.  I want to go into Radiology Tech but in order to do that I have to get a degree in Sonography first, then I have to petition UNLV hospital to be able to go into their Radiology program.  So instead of 2 - 3 years this is going to take me 4 - 5 years to get my degree.  I really don't see the problem with that.  Once I have a degree as a Sonographer I can work at a decent paying job while going to school.

I am so excited about going back to school I was about to jump out of my own skin last night!  I have to get my official transcript this week because the very first thing I'm going to do is to make an appointment with the college in NV and get that ball rolling (well, after I get my drivers license, that really, legally, has to be the first thing I actually do).  I have already filled out my FAFSA and I know I will be able to get a Pell grant (in the GOP and Tea Party haven't done away with that option) and I will be able to get a scholarship through the Department of Vocational Rehabilitation, all of which means I am going to need time to get all my irons into the fire.  Which means I need to make this move within the next month and a half.

I have a doctors appointment next Monday but I'm going to call her tomorrow and ask if she could talk to my lawyer and set up an appointment for me to have my final medical evaluation sooner.  I really need to get this going, if I don't make it in time for the January classes I will have to wait for the summer classes and I am really tired of waiting.

So let's see if I can pull this off...

Good news and bad news

After all these years fighting to keep my first home it has begun to fall apart.  Without going into detail (and I do have my reasons for that) lets just say that I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.  The repairs would cost around $10K and with my not working for 3 1/2 years that number may as well be in the millions.  Last week I got the paperwork, the house is officially in foreclosure, and I had options I wanted to get some advice on.  There's short sale and deed in lieu, among others, but those are the ones I was exploring.

It seems that both are out of my reach.  There is no way I can put this house on the market the way it is, and in order to do either I have to be able to put the house on the market.  So down the line, when (and if) the house does sell, I will be responsible to pay the taxes on the difference between what the house sells for and what I owe.  Which leaves me with only one option and that is to walk away and allow the mortgage company to just declare it abandoned.    Not exactly the news I wanted to hear but at least I know where I stand and what to expect down the road.

That was yesterday's news.  Today I had a long talk with my lawyer.  I have been hoping workman's comp would help me go back to school but it seems as though I have too many job skills to be able to get any help. Which is not a problem, at least I know and I'm not sitting here waiting for an answer.  They have told me before that they don't care if I make as much money as I was making, as long as I can stand at a register and scan items.  Which just doesn't bring in the money it takes to pay bills, running a cash register is more like a second job.  My lawyer said if I wanted to fight this I could and he would fight for me but the chances that I would win are not good.

That is exactly what I wanted to hear, something concrete, no more waiting to find out what I'm allowed to do with my life.  When you're on workman's comp there are endless hoops to jump through and I have jumped through every one they have told me to.  But apparently, I'm not done jumping.  I will have at least 2 more doctor visits before they release me, which means my move will not be quite as soon as I had hoped.  In reality, I had hoped to be moved by the end of May but now it's looking like it may be around the end of September.  But at least I know the ball is rolling and I couldn't be more happy about that.

On a more funny note, last week I had called to have my gas turned off.  The only reason I need it is because I have a gas fireplace but it does get cold here in Washington.  Well, it would figure that as soon as they turned it off we would have some really cold days (yes, in the middle of summer) so when I got home yesterday I had to go around the house and turn up all the electric heaters in the walls of each room, I was freezing!!  The rest of the country are experiencing record heat waves and us up here in the Pacific Northwest are experiencing an early fall almost. And if I can't laugh at that I don't know what I can laugh at!!

Which brings me to I am going to miss seasons but I'm not going to miss the mud my critters track in!!

Found Millie a new home

I had taken in this dog who was so emaciated thinking she had been mistreated but it turned out that she has a liver problem.  I have been working with her vet, who fell in love with her, and she has gained and lost and gained again.  I was worried about taking her to NV and the heat being so bad, I don't think she has the defenses for that, she's nothing but bones.  I've been keeping her vet in the loop and today she went home with her vet, Dr. Katie loves Millie and Millie loves Katie so I think it's a good match.

When I took her in today the nurses in the office told me they were happy I was moving because they all love her.  Also, they are planning on running the tests I couldn't afford so all in all I think it was the best thing I could have done for her.  Now I just need to find homes for the 2 kittens I found running around the neighborhood.

Other than grocery shopping and cleaning the house that's really all I had to do today.  I have to talk to HUD tomorrow, then my lawyer in a couple of days.

Where I am today

Remember when I mentioned my first home??  I've been here for over 5 years now and I love this home but I am no longer in a position to keep it.  A few months ago things really started falling apart and I just can't afford to fix anything here.  At first it was hard to consider but I got a glimmer of an idea and I've been rolling with it since.

First of all, my whole family (except for 1 daughter who is living with me right now) all live in Nevada (all my grand kids live there and 2 of my kids) and Arizona (my parents, my sis moved to OK....) and really, after all I've been through, especially with my ex, I really have nothing left here in this little town.  There are not only no jobs, business's have been closing right and left.  My plan was to retire  here and open a used bookstore but now there's Kindle and that kinda throw's that plan away, oh well, it was a nice thought...

So, I'm moving to NV to be near my grand kids.  I will be going back to school, and I'm thinking about Radiology Tech.  That's the plan for now, it could change.  But I have already been packing and have sold most of my furniture and anything else I don't 'need.'

I haven't paid my mortgage in about 4 months and I am officially in foreclosure.  I have to do this, and at first it was a hard decision but after I mourned my home I started making these plans.  Couldn't hurt my credit, the bankruptcy did that already. What I've been doing for the last 4 months is 1) paying some medical bills; 2) paying my school loans off (as much as I can, I'm ahead right now); and 3) getting my car everything it needs.  I don't think I'll have to sleep in my car but just in case I don't want to have it parked somewhere and not be able to drive it so I got new tires, brakes, battery, a tune up and I have to get a new spare (the one I have now is bald) and I have a problem with my lights, that's gonna cost the most because they have to take my steering column apart.  But that's it, paying off bills, I got 2 new loans ( one to put my student loans together and one to put all my medical bills together, so now instead of 5 different bills I only have 2 and my interest is very low on both), and taking care of my car.  Now I can save as much money as possible.

I am almost completely packed, the only things that aren't packed already are what I use every day.  I have sold almost everything but there are some things in my garage and I'm thinking another garage sale next weekend.  I've already made over $600 this year in a garage sale, extra money never hurt anyone!!

I have an appointment with my doctor next week and we are going to talk about her releasing me medically and then I can get this ball rolling.

So that's it.  You are all caught up to me and anything I do from now on we can go through together.  I don't expect workman's comp to move fast and I am not going to push anything.  I'm going to let it happen naturally and be patient.  Try to be patient.  I have other appointments this week, one with my lawyer and one with HUD, I have some questions for both that will help me with my decisions but otherwise I'm winging this from here on.

So enjoy!!

When it rains it pours, the story of my life

To make an epic saga a short story, I was widowed twice by the time I was 27 (because of alcohol, both times).  I had 4 kids by then and when hubby #2 died I threw myself into my job and started working 17 hours a day, 7 days a week.  My head wasn't screwed on tight at the time; who'da thunk I would be left alone with 4 kids to raise and I thought I had to do whatever I could to bring in money, which (in my screwed up head) meant working till I dropped.  But of course I didn't have to drop, I began taking speed to keep up with the pace I set for myself.  And, of course, the drug took over my life and for the next 4 years I was an addict and a heavy addict.  I really screwed everything up with my addiction (as any addict will) but I was smart enough to know what I was doing and began taking steps to get clean.

Which I did, with the help of my four kids.  Whenever someone knocked on my front door I would go to my room and my kids would answer the door and tell whoever it was that I wasn't home.  After a couple of months of sleeping and eating and hiding from the knock on the door I was finally able to answer the door and be strong.  Before it was all over we ended up homeless, but that only lasted for about a month.   And by then I was ready to go out and get a job and start supporting my kids myself.

At one point I had 3 jobs.  I didn't have a car, I took the bus everywhere I went, which meant it was dark when I left in the morning for my 1st job and it was dark when I got home and sometimes I only got 4 hours of sleep at night.  By now my kids were teens and pre-teens and that is a bad age to leave alone to raise themselves.  To say my kids took advantage of that would be an understatement and let me tell you, the after shocks of my own addiction are still being felt today, 17 years after I got clean.  But that's a story for another day.

Fast forward to the year 2000.  I had been in my job as Assistant Manager at Walgreen's for a year by then, and was finally able to pay my bills and start paying off some debts.  My dream of all dreams was to own my own home, one I could retire in, one I could make my own, that I could leave to my kids when I died.  And I met a man that I thought was the one, let's call him BC.  He was a fairly decent guy but the thing I loved the most about him was the fact that I could come home from work and my house was clean and he would make sure I had a warm meal, no matter what time I got home.  I always say, actions speak louder than words and his actions showed me  he really cared about ME.  He had a drinking problem, though, and I told him I will not just sit around and watch him die like my husbands before him so if he wanted to marry me he would quit drinking....and he did, and we got married.

In 2004 we moved to Washington State so we could get married and start fresh.  I transferred with Walgreen's and helped open many new stores and we were happy.  Then my 3rd grandson was born in November with a 4 pound tumor and I stayed in Las Vegas with my daughter for 2 weeks to help her.  His tumor was removed and he began putting on weight and we all high-fived each other and hugged and cried and thought that was all over with.  So I went back to WA to get back to work on my dream.  Gabe's tumor returned a year later and that began a series of surgeries and chemo and craziness I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.  I did all I could to help my daughter and her husband, every year I would take a couple of months off of work to go to Vegas to help when she had another child and Gabe was on chemo.  At least I got a chance to know him and spend quality time with him.  There's that.

In 2005 my husband was crushed between a dumpster and a dump truck at work and it crushed his spine.  He ended up having 2 surgeries on his spine but the worst part of that was his surgeon, who loved to write those prescriptions.  I stood next to my husband when he told his Dr. he was addicted and the doc said there was no way around that.  And I should have known, I should have seen it all coming but I was blind I suppose.  Because the next year, in May 2006 I realized my dream and moved into my first home.  The day we moved into the home, BC moved into the garage and I never saw my husband again.   By Christmas that year I sat him down, all the skin on his face was drooping and he looked like a candle melting, and I told him I think he's dying.  He had lost 75 lbs in 6 months and he looked awful.  And thus began my co-addiction and I learned what my kids probably went through when I was going through my own addiction....what comes around, goes around, karma's a bitch, I know!!

The summer of 2007 I took 2 months to go to Vegas to help my daughter when she had her 4th baby while Gabe was in chemo.  While I was gone my lovely husband wrote over $7000 worth of bad checks and had quite a party on my credit.  And of course, I was responsible for that.  It wasn't long after I got home that I found out it was heroin.  I paid for him to go to rehab 3 times over the next 2 years but he just didn't want to get clean that bad.  The last I have heard from or about him was he was in jail for  3 counts heroin possession, criminal impersonation and possession of a stolen vehicle.  He may never get clean.

But 2008 was the worst year of all.  In April I was lifting a box at work that was 1) too big & awkward; 2) heavier than I thought it would be and 3) I had to lower the box to a girl under me.  It slipped and I tightened my hold and I felt something give in my back.  Thinking I had only pulled a muscle I continued to work for a couple more months until I lost all feeling in my left arm, then I knew I was doing more and more damage to myself and finally began to see a doctor.  My last day at work was July 7, 2008.  My doctor suggested for me to see a chiropractor and I had begun that and only had one appointment left on July 19, when my girl called and told me Gabe was in the hospital, his kidneys were shutting down.  I knew, even without her talking to the doctors, that this was the sign, the end was near.  I didn't even think twice, I got on a plane and went to my daughter.  I was gone for 6 weeks, I kept in touch with my boss, my doctors, even workman's comp and was told by all that I should take as much time as I needed to and I could come back and pick up where I left off.  Yeah, right.

By this time I had 7 grand kids, ranging from a couple of months to 10 years old and with all that was going on of course I picked up and held my grand kids, especially my Gabe Gabe and pain be damned.  And it's not like all I did while I was there was to play with a bunch of babies....I was the one who made the arrangements for my 3 year old grandson, do you even know what it does to a person to pick out a casket for a baby??  It messes with your  mind, for sure.  But I had to be strong for my girl and my son in law and the rest of my family and the way I looked at it was "this is why I had to go through my 2 husbands, so I could be ready for this" and that helped me get through it.

When I came back I found that everything I owned and had worked for had been pawned.  I went to my doctor and was told that I didn't have insurance with Kaiser anymore because I missed my last appointment (even tho I had been in contact with them), my boss wouldn't let me come back to work without a letter from a doctor that released me and at this point I had nothing to pay my bills with.  The best thing that happened that year was I had begun my divorce and I had been discharged in bankruptcy court.  But I still had my home, and my car (thankfully, my car was paid off)...and I had gotten myself a lawyer and was finally able to see a doctor and he found out that I had blown out a disc in my neck and it was pressing on a nerve that was attached to the muscle in my back....

And workman's comp said that since I didn't complain about my neck they dismissed my case.  Thus began the fight in court and 2 years after I had injured myself I finally got approved and got my surgery but by then I was already bent like a question mark and my muscles had atrophied.  But before that (and any family I have besides my kids have never heard this part, so Mom, hang on tight) I had had enough.  I didn't have an income, I didn't have a job, what I did have was a husband who had gone through my entire 401K in a matter of a couple of months, Walgreen's was fighting me tooth and nail about my application for unemployment AND workman's comp and I just had enough.  So one night I took all of my husbands pills and drank a whole bottle of wine and laid down to sleep, and never wanted to wake back up.

There are people who say there isn't a God but there has to be someone looking out for me because in the middle of the night I threw up everything, and I woke up the next day and the first thing that went through my head was, "I have to do something to end this;"  so I did.  I finalized my divorce, I went to a doctor and told him what I had done and he began helping me pick up the pieces, I at least got pain medication and an antidepressant and more tests, then I went to the community college in my town and began going to school.  And I won my case for unemployment and was finally able to pay my mortgage and bills.  I saw a light at the end of my tunnel.

I also won my case with workman's comp in Jan, 2010.  I had spinal fusion in Feb and my lovely surgeon never saw me again after that, he kept writing me script's, though, and August of last year I talked to my lawyer and he helped me find another Doctor (and I love this woman!!) and she helped me get off the meds.  One year ago I detoxed from all those pain meds I had been on for so long.  I'm not out of pain but I have more knowledge on how to deal with it now.  I have finally been to physical therapy and even tho I've had another surgery (not workman's comp, this one I'm paying for out of pocket) to repair my knee's, I'm still better off physically than I was  a year and a half ago.

So that is the short version of how I got into this crazy mess I'm in.  There's more to it, of course, but this touches on the domino's that fell to get me to where I am today, and not to tease but that's all for now.  My back is hurting and I need to walk around for a bit.

What's this all about??

Very soon I am going to begin the rest of my life.  Tomorrow I'll explain how I got into this mess in the first place but as a sorta introduction I want to explain why I'm creating this blog.

I'm naming this "My Own Bootstraps" because, well, I'm about to reach down and grab those ole bootstraps and pull myself out of a hole, that for the last 3 1/2 years I haven't even been able to see my way out of until recently.  I could just as easily have called this "Reinventing Donni" because that is exactly what I'm about to do, reinvent myself.  I chose the bootstrap name because there are some people out there (um...they call themselves Christian Republicans...) who seem to think it's as easy as pie to just change your life at the drop of the hat.  And because I have actually been here before I know what I have to do to climb out of the hole I'm in and make something out of my life.

It's not going to be easy.  I will run into roadblocks.  I will cry but I'll also laugh.  I always try to find the silver lining in things.  But most of all, I am going to be doing this from step one and I am going to take anyone who reads this on a journey with me.  I will not be asking for donations, but do not be surprised if I apply for help along the way.  That is why there are programs, and I will use whatever help I can get to do what I have to do.  And maybe I can help someone else on their own road see that they are not alone.

At this point, I only have an idea for a plan.  You will learn as I do on what steps I need to take when I come to a point when I have to make a decision, and I might even ask for advice.  I have always said, we are all in this together.  There are people out there who have been through something I may run into and I may find myself at a cross road where I can see a few feet down the line on both sides and may need advice.  But at any rate, I will be making my own decisions and choices and we will see where they go from here.

I will try to jot something down every day but there may be a day I miss, so don't think I'm throwing in the towel. I'm a pretty strong cookie and I might get upset but I never give up.

So if you decide to follow me, enjoy the ride!!